benjaminaliresaenz.com
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Waking
Some days I wake
and am afraid
that the sky is
so angry that finally
it will decide
to swallow us whole
so that it can
know silence again
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Cinco Puntos Press has just released Last Night I Sang to the Monster
Benjamin Alire Saenz's most devastating and exquisite novel to date . . . .
Last Night I Sang to the Monster, with it's impressive characterizations
and heart-wrenching storyline, is the must-read novel of the year.
--El Paso Times
Zach’s first-person voice is compelling and heartbreaking. Sáenz’ poetic
narrative will captivate readers from the first sentence to the last paragraph
of this beautifully written novel, which explores the painful journey of an
adolescent through the labyrinth of addiction and alcoholism.
--Kirkus Reviews
The Boy and the Monster
1.
The boy is reading to the monster. He is like Scheherazade. He will read a story every night—read and read until the monster falls asleep. And the boy will live one more day. He will live this way forever.
2.
The boy’s name is Rafael. He is seven. He could be five or six or eight. But right now, he is seven. When he grows up, he will become a writer though no one suspects this—not even the boy.
There will be many monsters in the stories he will write.
3.
The boy reads the story of his life to the monster but he leaves certain things out of the story. He is afraid of making the monster angry. If the monster gets angry, something very bad will happen. The boy decides that the monster prefers happy stories about happy boys so the boy makes up a happy story about himself. He becomes an expert at telling happy stories. He is certain the monster likes the stories. He is certain.
4.
As the boy grows older, the monster comes to him—mostly at night. The monster is insatiable for stories. The boy, who is now almost a man—but who remains a boy—keeps telling stories to make the monster happy. Somewhere inside of him the man who is still a boy knows that the monster will never be happy.
But he continues reading the stories he writes for the monster.
5.
Sometimes, Rafael doesn’t feel like reading his stories to the monster. He is tired. There are nights when the monster stays away, and he thinks or hopes or wants to believe that the monster has gone away. Sometimes the monster stays away for weeks and months and Rafael starts to believe that he is free. He prays that the monster is dead.
But the monster always comes back.
6.
The boy has now become a man (but really still a boy). Reading to the monster is driving him insane. He begins to drink. He has always liked drinking but now the drinking has become his consolation. He drinks and drinks as he reads his stories to the monster. He knows now that he has always hated the monster. He wonders what would happen if the monster discovered the truth. He feels as if his heart is on fire. The hurt is becoming impossible to bear.
But the drink is good and helps him get through the story when the monster comes.
7.
Rafael, the man who is still a boy, is starting to get old. His hair is turning white and he wears the look of a man who has learned how to whisper the word suffering as if it were a prayer. He has forgotten words like happiness and joy. He laughs but the laughter is hollow. Only the tears are real.
He wonders why he has a monster. He wonders why he has surrendered to him.
8.
He thinks to himself: “What would happen if I stopped reading to the monster? What would happen if I read him a real story—a story about a boy who was damaged and hurt and kept wounds in his body like treasure? What would the monster think about that story? What would the monster say if he told him: I don’t want to tell you any more stories about boys. I want to tell you a story about Rafael who wants to cross the border and enter a country called manhood. It is a hard and difficult and beautiful country. Do you understand that, monster?”
Tonight, when the monster comes, he will tell him the story he has wanted to tell all his life.
9.
It is dark outside. The night has come again, but he is not afraid. It is a strange thing for him not to feel the fear. He feels naked. But he thinks it is not such a bad thing to feel his body, to feel his arms and his legs and his chest and his hands and his heart. He is sitting on his bed. He does not need a drink.
He will not drink. He is waiting for the monster to come so he can tell him his story.
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